Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
wanna go halves on a baby?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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