I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
