well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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