I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
