Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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