I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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