Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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