Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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