I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
