Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
