We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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