Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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