I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
