You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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