and she was petting her beer can
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
