just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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