I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
