I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
