I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
