just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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