So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
