Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
