I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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