she woke up with a sticky ear
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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