I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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