Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
