Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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