It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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