so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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