There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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