I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
