throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
