There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
