Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
