I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
