I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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