Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
