fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
