my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I want a musical about memes.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
