i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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