Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
