I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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