i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
