remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
