I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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