upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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