I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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