This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
