whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
