I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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