I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
