I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
