the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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