Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
